I have struggled personally quite a bit in the last few months, year.  I have struggled in all phases of my life.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  OT can take so much out of you and take so much away from you.

As I grew into a young man, from high school to college, spiritually I moved far away from my Catholic upbringing.  I moved farther and farther away as I kept moving through my phases of life.  Graduating college, becoming a Pharmacist, getting married and having children.  My scientific mind would not, could not fathom a higher power in control actively or passively in everyone’s life.  I tried, half-heartedly on many occasions to revisit the conversation in my mind, but ultimately I always came back to the same conclusion.  Impossible!

I never begrudged anyone their faith, it just wasn’t for me.  I still don’t.  Then I was diagnosed with OT.  My health was failing me, my employer failed me, my resolve failed me.  I thought that maybe I would talk to my priest to try to find solace in faith and repair a relationship with God.  To a large degree, it was successful.  My Catholic faith renewed, my mind began to clear and I was helped a great deal by the comfort or the thought of God.  I hoped it would help my family.  Ultimately, I was wrong.  I was and up until recently was hiding behind the thought of God helping me get through the toughest times of my life.

My marriage had failed.  I had lost my children for long period of times.  I thought trust in God would give me the strength to get through the tough times.  I was wrong.  Nothing helps you get through massive changes in health, family or anything that causes huge amounts of stress.  People in your life help you get through.  God and faith had become a false crutch for me and I am back to my original believe that people are good because people are good.  People are bad, because they are bad.  Faith is a great uplifting story, but like a lot of other stories, it to me is just that, a good story.  How can a god allow so much pain, as a test, I won’t consider that notion.  Science and Theology can not exist together and I will always be a scientist no matter what.

Although I don’t believe in an all-powerful being in the universe, I realize how important the thought it is for people, so I will not poke holes in beliefs or mention this again.  My life will proceed how it will proceed, but I can not believe in an all loving being in a world filled with so much pain.  It is time for me to get back to speaking about my life with OT, not my beliefs of things that I do not believe exist.  People are born, die, get sick, get rich, commit crime, lie and everyday the Sun comes up the same.  Now that I can believe in.

 

Back to OT, back to me, back to us.  Thoughts and questions are as always welcome.

Matt

 

 

 

 

 

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